


D.S. Boulton's Texta is Confiscated

by Augustus



Series: Unseen Episodes [2]
Category: The Bill
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-05
Updated: 2000-07-05
Packaged: 2018-03-07 16:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3177269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus





	1. [SCENE ONE]

_(We're upstairs in the wonderful world of CID. There are quite a few rather dead looking bodies lying about the place.)_

SKASE: Uh, John. I don't want to start sounding like Meadows or anything, but do you really think you should have killed most of CID?

BOULTON: _(Shrugging)_ It was an accident.

SKASE: It was an accident that you stabbed everyone repeatedly with a red texta?

BOULTON: No. It was an accident that they died. I mean, who would have thought that you could kill someone with a TEXTA, of all things!

_(He shrugs, grinning sheepishly.)_

BOULTON: You know, I think I might get in a bit of trouble for this...

_(Just then there is a loud groan as Jack Meadows slowly raises himself to a sitting position. He appears to be covered in blood.)_

MEADOWS: What happened?

SKASE: Gov! You're alive!

MEADOWS: Of course I'm alive. Why wouldn't I be?

SKASE: Because D.S. Boulton went postal with a red texta and killed all of CID. Well, except for me, but look what he did to my goddamn face!!!

MEADOWS: Is that lipstick, Rodney? Is it time for me to give you the talk about the birds and the bees?

SKASE: No, It's red texta. And I think it's a bit late for that particular talk, Gov. I've been shagging D.S. Boulton since he turned up here.

MEADOWS: Oh... That explains why Chris is always so pissed off...

BOULTON: Excuse me for butting into this WONDERFUL conversation, but how the hell are you alive, Gov?

MEADOWS: _(Shrugging)_ I don't know. It's not like I HURT or anything. Are you SURE you killed me?

BOULTON: Well I WAS pretty sure... now I'm beginning to have a few doubts, though.

SKASE: Wait a minute... is it possible that everyone just fainted because they THOUGHT they were going to die? A power of suggestion sort of thing?

BOULTON: Since when have YOU known about clever things like psychology?

SKASE: I read all about it in "Chat" magazine.

BOULTON: Oh. Well, I guess it IS a possibility. I mean, there had to be SOME way of making a sequel feasible.

MEADOWS: Oh, I get it! This is just a pathetic way of undoing the previous little tale.

BOULTON: That's it exactly.

_(All around them, the CID boys and girls are beginning to come back to "life". None of them are looking particularly chuffed about being stabbed with John's red texta - especially as it appears to have stained their clothes most drastically.)_

DEAKIN: Oh, for Christ's sake, John. You've really taken it too far this time.

BOULTON: _(Shrugging)_ You disrespected me. You threw up in my coffee cup!

DEAKIN: Well? Kerry threw up in my WIG. 

DALY: You, know, Gov, I think this calls for some pretty strict punishment.

BOULTON: You always DID hate me, didn't you, Daly.

DALY: Well, if I had any doubts before, the fact that you just tried to kill me has got the issue decided for good.

BOULTON: Well? You DID dare to doubt my red texta's killing abilities!

DALY: _(Looking around the room)_ Rightfully so, by the looks of it.

_(Boulton shrugs.)_

BOULTON: You win some, you lose some.

HOLMES: Daly's right, you know, Gov. You really SHOULD punish John.

BOULTON: You're just mad because I called you a carrot top, Carrot Top!

HOLMES: Am not!

BOULTON: Are too!

_(It's time for Jack Meadows to step into the fray.)_

MEADOWS: Now now, children. Don't worry, John, you WILL be punished. Now I just have to think of HOW.

_(There is a sudden clamour as everyone offers suggestions.)_

CARVER: Make him pash the D.I!

DALY: Demote him!

HOLMES: Paint CID orange!

DEAKIN: Make him buy me a new wig!

PROCTOR: Make him buy me a new computer!

RAWTON: Make him socialise with uniform!

BEECH: Make him WEAR uniform!!!

_(They all seem to like Don Beech's idea.)_

MEADOWS: Hmmm…. I think that's the _perfect_ punishment for one as arrogant as Johnny Boy here. And with uniform all naked down in the car park, I’m sure we won’t have any trouble finding him an abandoned uniform to wear.

SKASE: May I suggest something, Gov?

MEADOWS: Is it silly?

SKASE: No. Why would it be silly?

MEADOWS: Hmmm…. Go ahead.

SKASE: Could you possibly do something about that texta too? Look at what he did to my poor face!!!

MEADOWS: I thought you said that was lipstick.

SKASE: YOU said it was lipstick, Gov. 

MEADOWS: Oh. Okay.

SKASE: Well???

BOULTON: Shouldn't you be on MY side, Rod?

SKASE: You mess up my face and you honestly expect me to not have a problem with that?

BOULTON: If you loved me you'd stick up for me.

SKASE: Throw the book at him, Gov!

MEADOWS: _(Striking a manly pose)_ Okay! D.S. Boulton, I'm officially confiscating your texta!

_(Jack snatches the red texta out of John's hand and stalks off with it clutched firmly in his own hand. John crumples to the floor, devastated.)_

BOULTON: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!


	2. [SCENE TWO]

_(D.S. Boulton is stalking around CID, wearing full uniform and looking a little lost without his red texta. As he passes by Skase’s desk, Rod tries to calm him down a little.)_

SKASE: C’mon Gov! Meadows said you could have your texta back at home time.

BOULTON: _(whining as he looks at his watch)_ But that’s HOURS away! What am I going to do until then? 

RAWTON: You could try doing some work.

_(Rod looks confused.)_

SKASE: Work? What’s that again?

BOULTON: _(Looking as though he’s near tears.)_ How do you expect me to work when I don’t know where my texta is?

RAWTON: Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Sarge. He’s got your texta, not your mother.

BOULTON: Exactly!!!

_(Chris wanders up to see what’s going on.)_

DEAKIN: Problem, folks?

RAWTON: John’s all depressed about his texta, Gov.

DEAKIN: Want me to kiss it better, John?

BOULTON: I’d rather die.

DALY: _(Yells from the other side of the room)_ What are you going to do, John – stab yourself with a pencil?

SKASE: _(Muttered)_ You know, that Yorkshire git is really starting to piss me off.

BOULTON: Only just now?

SKASE: Yeah, well, I only realised he worked here a couple of weeks ago.

DEAKIN: _(Muttered)_ And CID are meant to be the brains of the force...

BOULTON: Hey! I heard that! Don’t be mean to my boyfriend!

RAWTON: Your WHAT???

SKASE: Oh god, here we go.

DEAKIN: How come I didn’t know about this?

BOULTON: We don’t tell you EVERYTHING about our private lives, you know, Gov.

DEAKIN: I know. Which is why I hire the private investigators.

RAWTON: You WHAT?!?

_(Deakin is paying no attention to their horror, looking a little annoyed as he wanders back to his office.)_

DEAKIN: _(Mutters)_ Let’s see what they have to say for themselves... dating a poodle my ARSE!!!

_(Rawton shakes her head and goes back to whatever paperwork she’s doing.)_

SKASE: _(Murmured)_ You know, John, you look quite... dashing... in that uniform...

BOULTON: _(Blushing a little)_ I do?

SKASE: Mmmm-hmm.

_(John takes a quick look around the office, obviously temporarily distracted from the grief he is feeling at the loss of his texta.)_

BOULTON: _(Quietly)_ You know, I bet we could find YOU a spare one of these lying around somewhere downstairs, what with uniform on their nudist craze and everything.

SKASE: Are you sure they’d have my size?

BOULTON: We can always improvise...

_(Skase grins sleazily at him)_

SKASE: You know, for a murderer and a psychopath, you’re pretty cute...


	3. [SCENE THREE]

_(Boulton and Skase wander back into CID, looking pretty pleased with themselves. Boulton is still wearing the uniform, complete with hat. Skase is fixing up his tie. John drags Rod over to one side.)_

BOULTON: Now if I could only get my texta back, my life would be complete.

SKASE: Oh, thanks a bloody lot, John.

BOULTON: I didn’t mean it like that, Rod. You know you’ll always be my bitch.

SKASE: Hey! You’re MY bitch!

BOULTON: _(Pouting)_ But what about the house with the picket fence and the twenty-four children?

SKASE: Well, we can still do that I guess...

BOULTON: So, are you going to help me get my texta back?

SKASE: _(Shrugging)_ Will it involve much effort?

BOULTON: Nah. Just follow my lead.

SKASE: Okay then. But one hint of my hair getting messed up and I’m out of there.

BOULTON: Deal. Time for Plan A then, I guess.

SKASE: And what’s that?

BOULTON: I’ll tell you as soon as I think of it.

SKASE: Oh great. Why do I feel as though I’m playing the Abbot to your Costello here?

_(John isn’t listening. Instead he’s staring out through the CID Venetian Blinds TM.)_

BOULTON: I’ve got it! All we have to do is to distract Meadows with this nude Uniform Division business.

_(Rod looks vaguely ill at the mere reminder.)_

SKASE: Will it involve me seeing Garfield naked again? Because I don’t think my constitution could handle a horror like that twice in one day.

BOULTON: If you ever want to see ME naked again, you’ll do what I tell you to.

SKASE: _(Grinning evilly)_ Is that an order, Sarge?

BOULTON: It most certainly is, D.C. Skase.

_(Deakin chooses this moment to walk up to the two *ahem* workmates *ahem*.)_

DEAKIN: What’s up, folks?

BOULTON: Rod and I were just discussing the idea of launching an investigation into Uniform’s blatant disregard for the local decency laws.

DEAKIN: That’s a FANTASTIC idea! I’ve been wanting to nail those bastards for YEARS!!!

_(Boulton and Skase exchange an evil look. It’s a bit of a worry, thinking about what the world is in for, with these two ganging up on it!)_

BOULTON: I think we need to launch a full scale obbo, with all of CID involved, including Meadows.

DEAKIN: _(Pouting)_ Ohhhhh, but I want to play Grand Pooh-bah this time! Let me do it, John! Please?

_(Deakin has obviously forgotten that he is John’s superior.)_

BOULTON: How about if I let YOU be in charge, but Meadows just comes along to watch?

DEAKIN: Okay.

_(Deakin bounces away, happy. Rod shakes his head in wonder.)_

SKASE: How do you DO that?

BOULTON: It’s all to do with the way a man wields his stationery.

SKASE: So if I started attempting to kill my workmates with a stapler or something, do you think I could convince everyone I was in charge?

BOULTON: Why don’t you give it a try sometime?

_(Skase gets a rather evil expression on his face.)_

SKASE: I might just do that...

_(Deakin bounces into the middle of the CID office and claps his hands loudly.)_

DEAKIN: Everyone looking at me, please! Come on, children! Don’t make me ask for hands on heads.

_(CID reluctantly gathers around their DI. Everyone’s here except for Meadows who is obviously off playing with Boulton’s texta, and Trev, who is still lying dead on the floor from his little electrocution experience.)_

DEAKIN: John’s just had a fabulous idea!

BEECH: What’s he going to do? Try to kill us again?

HOLMES: Oh, but he doesn’t have his texta anymore, does he?!?

BEECH: Yeah, but he might have a blue one...

_(John bares his teeth at them both.)_

BOULTON: Oh ha bloody ha. This is all just one big joke to you, isn’t it? You couldn’t care LESS that Meadows has confiscated my most prized possession, could you?

DALY: Frankly, John, no. No I couldn’t.

BOULTON: Well, that’s not exactly a big bloody surprise, is it, Geoff? You’ve ALWAYS hated me. No wonder you wanted me to be demoted all over a little teensy bit of attempted murder!

DEAKIN: Now, now, children. Enough squabbling. John, why don’t you tell us what you had planned.

_(Boulton’s in his element now. If only he had his texta, this would be the perfect moment.)_

BOULTON: Okay, guys, we’ve finally been handed the opportunity to do what we’ve wanted to do all along – nick the entire A relief!

_(There are several loud cheers. It’s obviously a popular plan.)_

CARVER: They’ve had it coming to them for years!

HOLMES: I can’t wait to see that smarmy grin wiped off Boyden’s face!

RAWTON: I bags arresting Cryer!

SKASE: As long as I get to nick that know-it-all, June Ackland. Stupid cu..

DEAKIN: Alright, Rodney, I think we get the idea.

BOULTON: _(In his best innocent tone of voice.)_ You know, Gov, I really think that we DO need to get Meadows in on this. I mean, don’t you think he’s want to be the one to arrest Conway for public nudity?

DEAKIN: Hmmmm... You may have a point there. 

_(He turns to Carver.)_

DEAKIN: Jim? Will you go get him for us?

_(Carver does just that.)_

MEADOWS: What’s all this about then?

BOULTON: Where’s my texta, Gov?

MEADOWS: I told you! You can have it back at home time! No sooner.

BOULTON: _(Whines)_ Ohhhh… But Gov!

MEADOWS: No buts. Now why am I here? Carver dragged me away from my knitting. And I was right in the middle of the row, so the whole thing will probably need to be unpicked now!

DEAKIN: We’re mounting the operation of a lifetime! We’re going to arrest the entire A relief!

MEADOWS: _(With obvious concern)_ Even Andrew Monroe?

BOULTON: _(Quickly)_ Not if you don’t want us to, Gov.

MEADOWS: Well, he’s not too bad compared to the rest of them, is he?

BOULTON: It’s a matter of opinion I guess. 

MEADOWS: Exactly. So, it’s decided. We spare Andy.

_(There are a few looks exchanged at that lovely nickname, but nothing is said. After a moment of silence, John continues.)_

BOULTON: We’re going to have to move quickly if we want to catch them all in the act.

BEECH: In the act, John? You never said anything about THIS!

BOULTON: I didn't mean that. It's not as though they're all going to just shag each other during work time, is it, Don?

BEECH: Well, I might have said so earlier, but after witnessing what was going on between you and Rodney in the broom closet a few minutes ago...

BOULTON: _(Jumping in rather quickly)_ Uh - I don't think anyone needs to hear about Rod's and my inspection of the station's cleaning facilities.

DEAKIN: Oh, I don't know... It sounds quite intriguing...

BOULTON: No. No it doesn't. Aaaanyway. As I was saying, we've got to do this now, while we still have the element of surprise. I don't have any fancy plans. What I was thinking was that half of you could run out the front door, and the other half out the back door. Then you should have them surrounded.

HOLMES: _(In full dozy cow mode)_ An ingenious plan, Sarge.

BOULTON: Thanks. Now. Any questions?

PROCTOR: I've got one, Gov.

BOULTON: _(Impatiently)_ Yes?

_(John's getting a little stroppy now - so close to regaining control of his red texta and yet so, so, far away.)_

PROCTOR: What if the blokes get... well... a little EXCITED by the situation?

BOULTON: I don't think you'll have that problem, Tom. One look at your face and they'll be clamouring to get some clothes on.

Any other questions? Sensible ones.

SKASE: Which door do you want me to go out, John?

BOULTON: _(Coughing in embarrassment)_ That's D.S. Boulton to you, Rodney.

SKASE: _(Flirtatiously)_ Whatever you want, John.

BOULTON: Yes, well... I think you should stay with me and help me to direct the operation.

SKASE: Yes, sir!

_(They exchange an intriguing look.)_

BOULTON: Alright then, if there are no more questions? _(He pauses a moment before uttering those famous words...)_ All units go, go GO!!!

_(There is a flurry of movement as everyone heads out to catch some uniformed offenders. Rod and John are left alone in the CID office.)_


	4. [SCENE FOUR]

_(Still the CID office.)_

SKASE: Well, John, this was a pretty complicated plan to grab some time alone with me, wasn't it?

BOULTON: _(Distracted)_ What was that, Rodney?

SKASE: I was just commenting that you went to an awful lot of trouble so that we could be alone together.

BOULTON: _(In complete disbelief)_ What? This is about my texta, Rod, and you know it!

SKASE: Your texta?!?

BOULTON: Yes. You know the one. Red. Permanent. Good for drawing on faces and stabbing detectives with.

SKASE: _(Grumpily)_ I remember it.

BOULTON: Well, now that's all cleared up, where do you think Meadows might have hidden it?

SKASE: Somewhere you'd never stumble upon it by accident, I guess.

BOULTON: But that could be ANYWHERE!!!

SKASE: Well, I guess we can rule out your desk. And the broom closet. Oh and my desk too, I suppose. 

BOULTON: _(Musing)_ Now... what do I never, ever do in this place...

_(There is about a minute of thinking music, before they both hit upon the answer at once.)_

BOULTON & SKASE: Paperwork!!!

BOULTON: You check the reports and I'll check the budget files!

_(Skase dashes over to a filing cabinet, while John heads into Deakin's office. He stalks about the place quite scarily.)_

BOULTON: Now, where might Deakin have hidden the budget files???

_(They are, in fact, quite prominently displayed along a shelf - with "Budget" and the relevant years written on the sides.)_

BOULTON: I hope he hasn't locked them up somewhere.

_(Finally John's eyes fall upon the files.)_

BOULTON: Gotcha!

_(He starts madly sifting through them, tossing pieces of paper and folders everywhere.)_


	5. [SCENE FIVE]

_(About thirty minutes later. Rod and John have collapsed, exhausted, on the carpet, their search fruitless.)_

SKASE: Give up, Guv. He must be carrying the damn thing around with him. Short of doing a strip search on the guy, you're not going to be able to get your texta until home time - like it or not.

BOULTON: _(Whining and pulling a lovely puppy dog expression)_ But Roooooddddd.....

SKASE: There's no point in looking at me like that. I can't do anything about it.

_(Rodney takes a look at his watch.)_

SKASE: Besides, don't you knock off soon anyway?

BOULTON: _(Petulantly)_ Not soon enough.

_(There is a sudden clamour as the rest of CID comes thundering down the corridor.)_

CARVER: That'll teach 'em!

DEAKIN: If only we could have got Monroe as well...

MEADOWS: Now, now, Chris, that wasn't the deal and you know it.

_(They all pause as they're met by the extremely tired looking Rodney and John)_

BEECH: Oh, Christ, you guys haven't been at it AGAIN, have you?

SKASE: _(Bitterly)_ No. Unfortunately we've been too busy looking for his damn texta.

MEADOWS: _(Producing aforesaid object from his jacket pocket)_ You mean this one.

BOULTON: _(Through gritted teeth and looking as though he's going to scowl that pretty face right off)_ YES!!!

MEADOWS: Well you can't have it until home time. You know that.

BOULTON: That's it! I've had enough of this.

_(He dashes over to his desk, complete with its alarmingly large stationery collection.)_

BOULTON: Forget uniform! YOU'RE the one who has had it coming to him, Jaaaack!

_(John reaches into a draw and comes up with a rather large knife. It's no red texta, but it's rather impressive nonetheless.)_

BOULTON: I didn't want it to have to come to this, but if you insist on keeping me and my texta apart, then I just have no choice!

_(Meadows has the good sense to look a little worried at the prospect of the rather dangerous team of a large knife and an innately psychotic D.S. Boulton.)_

MEADOWS: Now, don't be silly, John. If you're THAT attatched to it, I'm sure I can give your texta back a little BEFORE home time.

BOULTON: _(Waving the knife about)_ How LONG before?

MEADOWS: _(Quickly)_ How about now?

BOULTON: Perfect.

_(He drops the knife back into the draw as Jaaaaack hands him the texta as replacement.)_

BOULTON: Now, after all those arrests, I'm sure that you lot all have a lot of paperwork to do, so how about Rodney and I head off home early so that you can all get on with it?

DEAKIN: Uh... Sure, John. Why don't you both take tomorrow off too. With pay, naturally.

_(John and Rod exchange a look.)_

SKASE: We might just do that, thanks, Guv.

_(The two begin to leave, but Meadows gingerly calls one last reminder after them...)_

MEADOWS: Have a nice REST, John. Oh, and remember that the Sun Hill Revue's on Saturday night!

_(Oh dear god, that sounds like another "sequel", doesn't it? *Sigh*. I accept no responsibilities for the workings of my mind. None at all.)_

 

****

FIN


End file.
